Holiday moderation

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So here I am 6 months later – still struggling with the problem. In August I tried the Cure for Alcoholism – the Sinclair Method. I ordered Naltrexone from Canada. It has an 80% cure rate. I was hopeful and optimistic. I didn’t want to go to my local doctor because if you want life insurance in life, and you apply they read all of your medical records and if you’re an alcoholic, you will not qualify. So I went around the local doctor and ordered online…risky from a medical perspective I guess but research online shows there’s little side effects with this drug. So I faithfully took it and monitored my schedules accordingly. Three months went by — still drinking as much if not more than ever. Very frustrated – are you telling me I am in the 20% of “it doesn’t work” bracket?? What luck. So I pray — “Lord, why can’t you make this work for me?” I am not asking for a miracle. I am asking for what should work to work so I can quit drinking. Ugggh. So I went through the holidays — some days moderating better than others. Blackouts now happen after 2-3 drinks – which makes social drinking almost impossible for me. After 2-3 drinks, I function in conversation but the next day I have no recollection — just bits and pieces– of the evening. Why do I continue drinking? I have no idea – it’s addiction I guess.. I wake up saying never again, by 5:00 I am looking for my next drink “to relax.” Uggh I hate this. I hate waking up with shame. With regret, with guilt, feeling totally out of control. But I’ve tried AA and sobriety…I also know what giving up alcohol totally feels like. I remember sitting on the beach “sober” just dying for a beer and to put on Jimmy Buffet and enjoy the moment. To the point it overtakes me. That’s why I was so hoping the Naltrexone worked — You can still drink — just take your pills one hour before. Uggh Lord, I wish I knew the next step.

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An Alcoholic reading about an alcoholic

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This blog is not about being an alcoholic although that will factor in. It’s about my life transition. I quit a corporate job after 15 years to find a new chapter. Three months into this, I’m still lost as to what to do next. But today I read a blog about someone 1 week sober. The 7-day journey spoke everything I know about this disease. So today, I write about this.  It’s hard, it’s incurable, it’s gotta stop.  I have an impending trip to Italy in 4 weeks. Italy has wine. Lifelong dreams about Italy and wine. I know I won’t quit now – not until I am back from italy. But I said that about summer last year..and then about the Christmas cruise. But this time…..I mean it. Hmmmm I sense my own sarcasm. What I want — to be fixed! To go back to the day I could stop at 1 glass and not even think of 2. I wish someone would invent the brain cure. Until then, I sit here hungover and ashamed. Yes always ashamed -of my actions, my behavior, who I called, who I texted, who I talked to and what I said, who I facebooked or just what I know I am. Always ashamed.